does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
