well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
