whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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