Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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