wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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