Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
