i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
