guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
