I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
