We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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