When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
