You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It was confusing and full of hummus
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
