mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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