dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
