I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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