Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
