i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
