I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
