I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
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