I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
