I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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