My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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