Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
