its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm too high and old for this...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
