Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
