If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
