in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
