Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
