Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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