Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
