I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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