never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
