i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
