Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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