glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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