So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
