2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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