I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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