I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Pants are for mortals
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
