So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
