if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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