he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
