Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
