It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
