winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize