Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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