I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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