Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
