I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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