Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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