You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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