i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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