Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
