yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
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