Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize