just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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