you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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