totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize