He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
