My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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