got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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