On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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