If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
