that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize