I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
