Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
