Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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