like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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