I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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