I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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