DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
North Korea, Best Korea!
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
