All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
