I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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