i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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